11.25.2012

Out With It.

It's time to get real.

Mike and I have been through a lot these past few months, and we aren't sure where the light at the end of the tunnel is. We just know there is one. But I'm really, really tired of being strong all the time.

We do have a few things going for us...
  • Substitute teaching: As soon as Mike was laid off, I had started work. I'm able to work every school day for $100 per day. This can range from 16 days to 21 days each pay period, and I'm paid at the end of the month.
  • Tutoring: I tutor a senior in high school 2-3 hours per day after school.
  • Unemployment checks: What we do get, helps.
  • Firenzi: My craft business has been steady online.
  • MBKB Photos: Here and there we get a gig or two.
  • Food stamps: Haven't done this yet, but now considering it.
With these positives come the negatives.

Perspective
If I look at the whole week all at once, I will start crying. I really, really can't look at the whole thing. I stay sane by taking one day at a time. I don't get "me-time" anymore. If anything, my "me-time" is a fitness class.
I've had to stick with this perspective because it keeps me focused. A few weeks ago, I was considered for an amazing job. My mistake was envisioning what life would be like if I had it: no more substituting at different schools every day, my own little cubicle, health care, Mike could finish school, etc. When I didn't get it, it was heartbreaking. It has taken me two weeks to get back to where I was, looking at one day at a time.

What is really ridiculous is that even with my educational degrees, I'm still not getting the work I'm qualified for. I'm settling for less because that's what I can get. 

Husband
Mike, understandably, feels this is his fault, like he isn't doing his husband-ly duty to bring home the bacon so I can bake it. No matter how many times I tell him it isn't his fault, it is to no avail. We made the decision to leave one company and go to a smaller one because we valued his personal happiness and wanted him out of the hell of his previous workplace. I think if we could do it again, we would. However, I see him carry this burden every day, and it isn't something I can fix. All I can do is be there and we both can stick together.

Future Kids?
It isn't easy seeing our friends from all ages have the joy of having a child. I am very, very glad for them. At the same time, I wonder when our time will be. If we had it our way, we wouldn't be so cautious, and just have a kid. But we both don't want to be stupid about it: we can barely afford to cover our own finances, so it isn't smart to pop out kids just because we want to. We love our two dogs, but obviously it isn't the same.

Emotional Roller Coaster
One moment, I'll be fine. Busy. Whatever. The next, angry. The next, crying in the car just because I love the song on the radio so much and blah blah blah.
Let me be blunt: I feel like a burden on my parents. I know, I know, they love us and they said they'd be here for us. But crap. We are grown. We should be able to cover everything, but we can't. I feel so guilty. I think this is my largest self-inflicted emotional wound.
Humility is a good thing. We have been blessed to have a lot of it lately. But this 2+ month burden is taxing, and I don't have a clue where we're going. It's almost like we have to be ignorant to be happy despite our worries.

I forget who, but someone said to me, "Well it's a good thing you guys have your photography business!" Yes, we have it. But if you don't hire us, what good does it do? None. If we booked one $1200 wedding a month, we would be fine. That's what so unbelievable to me. We make everyone happy with our photos, and yet more often than not, we are ignored.

There's my rant. Despite everything, I know there are much larger problems on other horizons. It's just scary to be so aware of them and not be in a position to change anything. We just keep avidly hunting for work, making sure to cover all of the bases, and pray for the best. I just hope one day I can wake up and this will have just been a bad dream.

3 comments:

  1. hang in there lovely lady!! It truly is so hard to find a good job right- I am just a nanny but I have a college degree too, I feel it is going to waste because there are just no good jobs... something good is coming your way, I can feel it :)

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  2. Hang in there girl! I love you both so much and admire your strength and passion for ALL that you do! You are both examples to me and so many other people, even if you don't realize it! Just remember that Heavenly Father loves you and that won't change! Despite your other circumstances lay it on the line with him! I know what it's like to want to be an adult and to take care of things yourself but I feel ya on still needing some other assistance as well. I moved out (thus increasing my bills) at the same time as having to take a demotion (and HUGE paycut) at work too! It's not easy, but it will be worth it. I have found that when we pay our tithing we are blessed in ways we may not even see! Love you both!

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  3. and I admire that you're willing to share your frustrations with your blog family. Sometimes even just getting it off your chest helps lighten the load!

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